Sick Of This Life
by Anime Girl23
Summary: DISCONTINUED! After the World Championships end Kai makes a decision. A decision that will change his friend's lives forever and possibly end his own. Rated for attempted suicide, drug use, and lots of blood.
1. Decisions

I'm b-a-a-c-k! Hope you like this one! YAY KAI TORTURE!

Warning: Attempted suicide, blood, and drug use. Also, Kai is **MAJOR OOC!** So don't flame me for his being OOC!

Disclaimer: What do you think!

"Talking"

_Thinking_

**Song lyrics**

Note- This takes place the day the BladeBreakers beat the Demolition Boys.

Sick Of This Life

Chapter 1

Decisions

_**BladeBreaker's Hotel Room**_

"No one can beat us!" Tyson exclaimed jumping around the hotel room. Everyone had decided to have a celebration on winning the tournament and it was now being held in the BladeBreakers' hotel room. Tyson and Max were jumping around, both on a sugar high. Rei was talk-no making out with Mariah. (Had to put that in! ) And Kai? Well…he was at his usual spot in the shadows.

_I don't even know why I'm here. They all have friends and families that care about them. And me? I'm just the finished product of what my grandfather wanted, a person with no emotions holding them back. I have no family…at least none that care about me. I don't even deserve to be here. The BladeBreakers are the ones that really won the tournament. I lost against Spencer. I'm useless. _Kai thought bringing his eyes down to his arms._ The scars. The only proof I have to show that my grandfather doesn't control my every move…what he drove me to._

**I tried to kill the pain**

**But only brought more**

(Gonna start putting this into separate paragraphs!)

"I can't take this anymore," Kai mumbled under his breath so quiet no one could hear him over all the cheers and music. Getting up from his place against the wall he quietly slipped out of the party and headed to his room. Once he was in his room he headed to his duffle and got a dagger with a hilt covered in rubies.

"Dad's old dagger," Kai said with a sad smile. Reaching back into his bag he pulled out two bottles of pills with the BioVolt insignia.

"Please let this just be the end," Kai said with silent tears flowing down his face, clutching the dagger by the blade tightly. Looking down at his now blood covered hand he smiled. "Same spot, same situation, same decision. Hopefully this will be the end of it all," taking the dagger, now dripping in blood; he held it by the hilt and made a deep cut along his wrist. Then, doing the same to his other he then began cutting his arms up quickly.

**I lay dying**

**And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal**

"I just want it all to end! Please let me die this time!" he pleaded his triangles now running from the tears. Soon his vision began to blur and his legs began to wobble. Reaching over to the table he took the two bottles of pills and began to quickly take them dry. As soon as he swallowed the last pills his once blurry vision completely blacked out.

He never noticed that when he fell the dagger he had once been holding had imbedded itself into his chest.

**I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming**

**Am I too lost to be saved**

**Am I too lost?**

_**Back At The Party**_

"Hey Kenny have you seen Kai?" Rei asked walking up to Kenny after noticing their always silent captain wasn't anywhere to be seen.

"He probably left. You know he hates parties. He probably got sick of all the screaming and went to his room," Kenny said looking up from Dizzi.

"Yeah," Rei said nodding his head. "Probably did. Well, I gotta go talk to him about something." Turning away Rei began walking towards the door with a slight limp, but before he took three steps he turned around and looked at Kenny. "Hey, can I have the spare key? Knowing Kai he won't want me to come in and will just tell me to go away."

"Oh yeah, sure," Kenny said taking the spare key out of his pocket, passing it to Rei.

"Thanks," Rei said then walked out of the party and towards Kai's room.

_**With Rei**_

(Once again this will be in separate paragraphs!)

"Kai? Are you awake?" Rei asked, softly knocking on Kai's door. Suddenly, feeling a sense of dread overcome him, he force the key card into the lock despite his shaking hands. Forcing the door which had once been locked from the inside Rei's breath caught in his throat.

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

"KAI!" Rei exclaimed running over to his fallen captain. Looking Kai up and down for the source of blood he first spotted the blood covered dagger forced into Kai's chest. Then, looking at Kai's left arm he saw 5 jagged wounds pouring blood. Looking at the other he noted that it was also cut only more jagged and less controlled.

"Shit!" Rei cursed when he noticed that Kai's heart beat was rapidly decreasing. "GUYS! SOMEONE HURRY AND CALL AN AMBULANCE!" Rei screamed praying it was loud enough.

"Rei! What happened!" Mariah yelled coming from where she heard her koi's voice. Upon entering the room she saw what made her boyfriend scream for help. "Oh my god," Mariah said covering her mouth with her hand as tears filled her eyes. "What happened to him!"

"He tried to kill himself and he'll succeed if we don't get him help soon! Hurry!" Rei said, his voice full of urgency.

"All right! I'll be right back!" Mariah said snapping out of her stupor and running back towards the party. Running into the room she ran directly to the stereo and shut it off.

**Do you remember me**

**Lost for so long**

**Will you be on the other side**

**Or will you forget me**

"Hey! What's the big idea!" Johnny asked annoyed that the music stopped.

"Mariah, what happened!" Lee asked seeing his sister's always white outfit now had blood splatters all over it. (When she found Rei and Kai she ran over and knelt down beside Rei not noticing she knelt in blood.)

"It's Kai! He needs an ambulance!" She said with tears streaming down her face. "I'll explain later! Just somebody call!"

"I will!" Emily exclaimed running from the room.

"Shh…it'll be okay. Just tell us what happened," Judy said coming over and gently hugging Mariah to try and calm her.

"When I was looking for Rei I heard him scream. So, I went to see what was wrong and I found him with Kai. He…he tried to kill himself," Mariah cried, each few words stop because of a sob. She couldn't control herself. She never could stand the sight of blood and this was all just too much for her. She may not like Kai, but she wouldn't want the captain of her koi's team to die.

"Who tried to kill himself?" Judy asked nervously. _Oh, God. Please, no._

"Kai! He slit his wrists!" Mariah cried. "He's going to bleed to death at this rate!"

**I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming**

**Am I too lost to be saved**

**Am I too lost?**

_**Later At The Hospital**_

(Just say only the BladeBreakers, Lee, and the All Starz went. Lee, to give Rei some support since he made Mariah stay behind to calm down. And the All Starz went with Judy. The Majestics had to go catch a plane because I don't really like them that much.)

"I don't get it! Why the fuck would Kai try and do this! I thought we got to him out on the ice!" Tyson said to himself while pacing back and forth in the waiting room.

"Tyson, just think about it. His grandfather used him all his life. Despite what happened on the ice all the pain from his past probably caught up with him. He never opened up to any of us...not completely at least," Rei said trying to calm Tyson down.

"Rei, what ever did happen on the ice? You never really told us," Lee asked getting a chorus of nods from the other bladers.

"Oh yeah," Max said while rubbing the back of his head with his hand.

"I'll explain it since I pretty much have everything recorded on Dizzi," Kenny spoke up. "Dizzi you think you could show them the recording of the Lake Baikal incident?" Kenny asked opening his always annoying laptop. (Had to put that because it's true! )

"Yeah, only talk to the poor trapped bit beast when you need something," Dizzi said in mock hurt.

"Dizzi, please."

"Oh, fine. Here it is," Dizzi said bringing up the recording. (Okay, you already know what happened so I'm not going to go over it again!)

"I still don't get why you saved him," Michael said. (As you can see he's still pissed at Kai for stealing his bit beast.)

"Michael!" Emily exclaimed. "We all get you're still mad at him, but they couldn't let their friend die!"

"Well, he just might anyway!" Steve said. "You saw all the blood! I'm surprised he wasn't already dead by the time Rei found him!"

"How did we not notice? We should have known something was wrong," Max mumbled softly, the usual Max Tate twinkle gone from his eyes.

"He _was_ acting differently than usual. I thought he was just adjusting to being back with us or something. You never know what's going through our ice captain's head," Tyson said, worry etched throughout his face.

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

"Yeah. He never really opened up to us. Actually…he never opened up to us period," Kenny said.

"Yeah, but would you if you were in Kai's shoes? I know it wouldn't be easy. It'd probably be close to impossible for any of us. He went through it probably his whole life," Rei said.

"Excuse me? Are you with a Mr. Hiwatari?" a voice asked surprising the whole group. Turning around they saw it was a young woman with blue/black hair pulled into a ponytail and gentle eyes that looked oddly familiar. Seeing her attire they immediately knew she was a doctor. Hopefully, the doctor that had information about their friend.

"Yes! Is he okay! Can we go see him! When can he leave! Has he-"

"Tyson, shut up and let her speak! We won't know how he is until you let her talk!" Emily snapped at Tyson before he could kill the doctor with a barrage of questions.

"Oh, sorry," Tyson said shutting up. (OMFG! HE FINALLY SHUT UP! WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO!...Hopefully, a much quieter place.)

"It's quite alright. I've gotten used to it by now. By the way. I'm Dr. Rzewski," she said trying to lighten the mood. Realizing by the looks on their faces however she knew she couldn't prolong it. "When Kai was brought in you already know his wrists were slit, his arms were severely cut, and he had a stab wound in his side. We were able to stitch up and bandage the stab wound and arms. But, we did find that he had a high amount of lethal chemicals that we've never encountered before. We were able to flush the drugs out of his system, but we won't know his exact condition until he awakens, which we doubt will be today. But, I have to ask you a few questions concerning his reason for coming here. Was he acting any differently than usual?"

"Not really. He had just returned to the team and we thought he was readjusting to being around us again. And, he never really spoke to us so we wouldn't really have been able to tell," Max said answering the doctors first of probably many (Or as many as I can think up) questions.

"All right," she said writing something on a piece of paper. Looking up again she once again began the routine of asking questions and writing down the answers. "Do you know anything about his home life? We found multiple scars covering his body and we know some he couldn't have done himself."

"All we know is that his grandfather is Voltaire Hiwatari and that his life has been a complete and total hell," Tyson said.

"How so?"

"From what he told me and what we found out his grandfather's been using him since he was young," Rei said being the closest to Kai he knew some things the others didn't.

"In what ways?"

"

BioVolt, the company his grandfather owns, it isn't what it seems. Yeah, it is a training facility, but when a child does something wrong they're beaten for it. Experiments were run on children. Kai told us that they were taught to believe that defeat was the ultimate humiliation. Oh, sorry. I'm straying from the point. Ever since we were told we'd be coming to Russia for the tournament Kai's been having nightmares, memories of his past I should say, that have been causing him to wake up screaming," Rei explained to the doctor kind of annoyed. They just wanted to go see their friend and she was holding them up. He knew that there were precautions to make sure of, but they had to see if he was okay with their own eyes.

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

"Alright, I think that's it," Dr. Rzewski said looking up from her clip board. "I'll show you to his room. Visiting hours are over, but I think I can make an exception just this once," she said winking at the bladers.

"Thank you!" Tyson said springing up into the chair he'd been forced into by Max.

"It's this way," Dr. Rzewski said heading down the dreaded ICU corridor.

"ICU? That's not good," Steve said.

"No shit, Steve! Really? I didn't know!" Emily said her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You two stop bickering," Judy scolded walking in between the two.

"Sorry Judy," The two said in unison looking at the floor.

"Here it is," Dr. Rzewski said stopping in front if room 808. (YAY! BOB! Type 808 into you're calculator it spells Bob! I love Bob! But, not as much as I love Kai! _Glomps Kai plushie_)

"I'll leave you to sit with him, but if anything changes press the alert button next to his bed _immediately_ don't try and help him yourself." With those last words she left the children to their friend.

"Okay, we'll never find out how he is if we don't go in," Max said, his eyes regaining a little of their former twinkle. Once he opened the door however the grin he had quickly deflated.

"Kai," Tyson said. "How could you do this to yourself?"

"Tyson," Rei said knowing that Tyson was going to start yelling if no one intervened. But, he did see why Tyson would have an outburst. Kai was lying in a bed pale as a ghost from blood loss. His arms were heavily bandaged as was his side. The heart monitor next to his bed was steadily beeping. _The constant beeping is annoying, _Rei admitted mentally. _But, it does let us know that he's okay._

**My wounds cry for the grave**

**My soul cries for deliverance**

**Will I be denied Christ**

**Tourniquet**

"Let's go. They need some time with Kai. We can wait until they're done to see him," Judy said ushering her team and Lee out quietly so the BladeBreakers could have some time alone with their friend. Once they were in the hall everyone was silent, not really knowing what to say. They'd never had anyone close to them try this so they didn't really know how to comfort their friends.

"Of all people…I…I never thought that Kai would be the one to try something like this," Emily said speaking up. Upon looking at the tennis player her team saw that behind her glasses her eyes were filled with tears ready to fall.

"I don't think any of us did," Eddie said putting a hand on the shorter girl's shoulder. "I didn't think Kai was ever even capable of anything like this. Every time we saw him he was always close to emotionless I didn't think he could be depressed…at least depressed enough to do this to himself."

"I have to admit I am mad at Kai for stealing all of our bit beasts, but…I don't want him to die. I mean…when he first left the BladeBreakers I thought he was just doing it for power, but now…now I'm just confused. But, I still don't understand why he would willingly go back to a place that practically destroyed his life," Lee said speaking up for the first time since being shown the Lake Baikal encounter.

"I don't get it either. I always thought Kai was invincible. But after today even if he does try to hide it, he's just like us," Michael said.

"What do you mean by that," Steve asked not fully understanding.

"None of you can deny that Kai was well…pretty close to emotionless. I'm not saying that what he did was good, but it showed…it showed that he has emotions. I mean you can't try to kill yourself if you have no emotions," Michael said.

"Couldn't he have been upset? You know depressed that he couldn't show his emotions?" Steve asked.

"Being upset and depressed are emotions, Steve. Being emotionless is actually pretty impossible really. You could block all emotions, but you'd be left feeling bored. Being bored is a type of emotion. You can't really escape emotions. You could try, but it would never work completely," Emily said.

"You do have a point," Lee said nodding his head.

_**With The BladeBreakers**_

(This is what was happening during the last scene)

"Kai…Kai, come on. Wake up and start screaming at me to train. Please," Tyson said choking back tears.

"Tyson," Max said putting a hand on Tyson's shoulder. "He'll wake up, but he needs to regain his strength first."

"Yeah, I know," Tyson said nodding his head slowly. "I just want to know that he's okay."

"We all do," Rei said. "We don't know what the side effects of those drugs are."

"But, why did he try using drugs?" Kenny asked.

"I don't know. There was a bottle on the floor when I found him. I didn't get a good look at it, but I think I saw BV," Rei said feeling guilty for not paying more attention to it. "I had my attention more on stopping the blood than reading the bottle. Now I wish I brought it with us. The doctors probably could have taken a look at it."

"It probably wouldn't have been any help anyway. Dr. Rzewski said they'd never encountered that drug before," Dizzi said.

"Yeah, you do have a point," Rei said feeling a little better. Hearing a rumbling sound he looked at Tyson chuckling. "A little hungry, Tyson?"

"Yeah, looks like it," Tyson replied with a grin on his face.

"Wanna hit the cafeteria?" Max asked holding in his laughter.

"Yes!" Tyson exclaimed grabbing Max and Rei.

"Tyson, I'm gonna stay here with Kai for a little. All right?"

"All right, Rei," Tyson said letting go of Rei's arm and grabbing Kenny's.

"Tyson! Will you let go of me?" Kenny begged trying to get out of Tyson's grip and make sure he didn't drop Dizzi.

"Kai, come on. You gotta wake up. You can't leave me with these maniacs," Rei said laughing at Tyson's antics.

"Hey! That's mean, Rei!"

"But true, Tyson"

"What! Max, I thought you were on my side!" Tyson exclaimed looking at Max with mock hurt. His laughing stopped, however, when a sound reached his ears. Looking towards Kai his heart skipped a beat.

"Oh, God," Rei said disbelievingly.

The heart monitor had gone flat.

**My suicide**

TBC

Anime Girl23: I am so evil!

Kai: Why me! Why do you always have to torture me?

Anime Girl23: Because it's fun!

Kai: You get joy out of disturbing things.

Anime Girl 23: Yes I do!

Kai: Please just review so I can get out of this torture!

Note: Okay I have fixed the typos in this chapter! Hope it makes it better for you!


	2. Life or Death?

Hey! Okay, I'm _so_ sorry that I made you all wait this long! I got about half way done and got wicked bad writers block…then I just forgot about this for a while when my Harry Potter obsession came around.

Disclaimer: What do you think!

Sick Of This Life

Chapter 2

Life Or Death?

"Kai!" Rei exclaimed hurrying to his friend's side and slamming his hand onto the alert button.

"Children! Out! We need room!" Dr. Rzewski ordered rushing into the room not even a minute later.

"What's going on!" Emily asked, panic growing in her eyes when she saw the BladeBreakers be hurried out of Kai's room.

"Why are the doctors in there?" Lee asked when he saw Rei's worried face.

"Kai's heart monitor...it…it went flat," Rei said with difficulty. Looking at his teammates he saw each had their eyes glistening with unshed tears and their faces etched with worry.

"Oh, God."

"What is it, Tyson?" Max asked looking at his friend.

"It…it's just finally getting through to me that it isn't a dream. Kai really tried to kill himself. How could this happen?" He asked shaking his head and falling into a nearby chair.

"I don't know, Tyson…I really don't know. I've heard of it happening to other people, but I never thought it could happen to one of my friends," Max said putting a hand on his friends shoulder.

"None of us did, Maxie," Judy said giving her son a comforting hug.

"Thanks, Mom."

"It'll be alright," Judy promised Max letting a tear fall from her eye. _Kira…Oh, God, Kira, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let this happen. Kira, I promise you. I'll help Kai get through this. I couldn't stop him from doing this, but I'm going to do all I can to make sure that he doesn't try it again. And Bethany, Tamara I promise I won't let this happen to your boys. I couldn't stop Kai, but I can make sure that none of them ever give up on life. I won't let it happen to them and I won't let it happen to Max._

"Boys!" a voice yelled pulling Judy from her thoughts. Looking up she saw that it was Mr. Dickenson with Bruce, who went to his son and embraced him gently. "What happened! Are you alright!" Taking a quick head count he noticed that a certain slate colored head was missing. "Where's Kai?" Seeing that everyone's faces became even gloomier he spoke again. "What happened?" When he noticed no one was going to answer he spoke again a note of demanding in his voice. "Boys, I need to know. What happened?"

"Kai…Kai tried to kill himself, Mr. Dickenson. Rei found him. He'd slit his wrists and had taken an overdose on drugs. We were just in there," Max said gently letting himself out of his mother's hold.

"How is he?"

"Not good. His…his heart monitor went flat Mr. Dickenson," Rei said.

"Oh, God," Mr. Dickenson said slowly backing into a chair and putting his head into his head. After a few minutes he looked up, took a deep breath, and began to speak. "I-"

"Excuse me?" A voice said interrupting Mr. Dickenson.

"Dr. Rzewski! Is Kai okay!" Tyson said jumping out of his father's embrace.

"We took a few tests and confirmed that the dagger had done more damage than we thought. It had cut a small incision into his lung. We've done all we can for him right now. He's stable at the moment, but I'm going to sit with him for the night. Why don't you head home? It's already 1:00 in the morning. Visiting hours start at 10:00 so you'll want to rest."

"Alright," Judy said nodding. "Thank you Dr. Rzewski."

"No thanks needed," Dr. Rzewski said. Looking in the direction of Kai's room she quietly said to herself, "There's something about him. Could he be? No, it's impossible." Shaking her head slightly to rid herself of her thoughts she looked up to see that the group had begun to walk away. Sighing quietly she returned to Kai's room and sat in a chair beside the bed. Looking down at the sleeping boy she saw a tear run down his face. (The face paint had been washed off)

_**Kai's Dream**_

"Kai! Where are you going!" a young girl around the age of six called after her friend.

"To get Black Dranzer!" Kai yelled back.

"Kai, you can't! You know Boris will kill you! And, I mean literally!" Seeing him take Black Dranzer out of the mechanical launcher she called out once more in panic. "Kai! Don't!"

"Let it rip!" Kai yelled as he launched the black beyblade into the dish. Watching with fascination at its speed and power he didn't hear his friend screaming nor did he realize that the room was beginning to collapse until he was hit with a falling piece of rock. Snapping his head into his friend's direction he screamed. "Willow!"

"AH!" Willow screamed as a falling rock made a small cut in her forehead. Snapping her head up Kai saw her black hair, streaked with purple fly and stick to the wound on her forehead. Looking at him she ran towards him. "Look out!" Pushing him out of the way Kai watched in horror as a large collection of debris fell on top of her.

"WILLOW!" Kai yelled, before another rock fell and knocked him unconscious.

-----

Slowly opening his crimson eyes Kai noticed a mass of purple hair to his right.

"Nice for you to join us, Young Kai," Boris said obviously angry. Deciding to make his anger known he began to yell. "What did you think you were doing! You destroyed half of the abbey! What do you have to say for yourself!"

"Where's Willow?" Kai asked worried.

"Dead," Boris said bluntly. "Your stunt killed her."

"No…no," Kai said shaking his head as tears filled his eyes.

"Don't show weakness!" Boris yelled, slapping Kai across the face. Smirking he looked at Kai closely. "How does it feel to be a murderer?"

"No! No!" Kai yelled as he covered his ears and shook his head frantically. "No!"

_**Reality**_

"NO!" Kai screamed springing up in his hospital bed. Raising his hand to wipe sweat from his forehead he noticed the bandages. "Fuck." Throwing himself back onto his pillows he let out an aggravated sigh.

"Kai?" Dr. Rzewski called tentatively.

Snapping his head in the direction of the voice he glared. "Who are you?" Kai snapped, his crimson eyes flaring like fire…and maybe a little distress that couldn't be masked.

"Lillian Rzewski. I'm your doctor."

"Why?"

"Why, what?"

"Why, did you save me! I did this for a reason!" Kai exclaimed, angry.

"Not a very good one."

"You don't know me!" Kai exclaimed. "You don't even know why I did this!"

"Then, why don't you tell me?"

"I can't even tell my friends! What makes you think I'll tell you!"

"Kai, you can't keep this in," Lillian said.

"And who the hell could I tell!"

"I'm not saying you have to call a press conference," Lillian said. "I'm just saying that you need to confide in someone."

"Like who?" Kai asked looking at Lillian in anger. _She doesn't know a thing about me! Who is she to tell me what to do!_

"Any of the adults or your friends."

"Please," Kai scoffed. "The adults would send me to some freaking asylum and the only friends I have that I could talk to about this hate me."

"What about me?"

"What about you?"

"Could you talk to me?"

"I've never even met you before," Kai said. "Why would you care? Besides I thought counselors did that."

"That's where you're wrong," Lillian said looking at her lap.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I've known you since you were a child," Lillian said, her eyes tearing.

"How the hell would you have known me?" Kai asked slightly interested.

"I knew your mother."

TBC

Anime Girl23: DONE! Okay, I am soooo sorry that it took me so long to update! I'd been typing this up like a week after I posted and then once I got to the part where you go into Kai's mind I got writer's block. I couldn't decide whether to do what I did or leave it a mystery.

Kai: What are you going to do to me now?

Anime Girl23: That's a surprise. Now go press the button that says "GO!" and leave a review!

Note: I've fixed the typos in Chapter 1! So re-read it if you were confused in the last chapter!


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